


The Soundtrack of Our Lives

by Acacia_Mac



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Canon, Episode Related, Minor Character Death, Season/Series 04, Spoilers, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-16
Updated: 2004-07-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 16:58:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12063243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acacia_Mac/pseuds/Acacia_Mac
Summary: Season 4 Spoiler Fic:  Brian and Justin try to make the most out of what they have.  They run into some trouble, both of their own making, and some that are unavoidable.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Part One 

Present Day

Justin sat at the long table, looking up at the judge who would decide his fate. He wished he were anywhere but here. He wished he could be there at Vic’s funeral. Just thinking about the man whose life had ended caused a tugging at his heart. He had loved Vic like a father. But Justin knew that he had to do this… he had to stand up and take responsibility for what he had done. 

He wondered briefly what Vic would have thought of him now. Would Vic look at him in disappointment like everyone else had? 

Justin silently cursed his ‘family’. He had been so upset that Brian and Mikey had taken it upon themselves to do everything. Brian had been spending more and more time with Mikey than he had with Justin. Shaking his head, Justin tried to clear those thoughts from his mind. He knew that Brian needed to be there with Mikey. Vic had been like a father to Brian, and that was his family… had been almost all of Brian’s life. And it wasn’t like they hadn’t tried to include him in the plans. Justin just didn’t want to hear any of it. 

He didn’t believe that he belonged. With what he had done these past couple of weeks, Justin felt like none of them could accept him anymore. He had gone against everything they believed in… he had gone out on his own. He had let them all down. 

He was grateful for the talk he and Brian had the night before, however. They had cleared some of the tension between them, and Justin felt stronger knowing that Brian would stand beside him no matter what. 

‘So much for being the poster-boy for gays.’ Justin thought. 

“The Defendant shall rise.” Came the sound of the bailiff. 

After quickly stealing a glance over to Daphne who was sitting in one of the chairs behind him, Justin stood and held his head high. He didn’t want anyone to think that he was weak. He knew what he did was wrong, but he wasn’t ashamed of it. Justin didn’t know when things had gotten out of hand. He knew he shouldn’t have beaten up those guys on the street. But it was when Cody held the gun on Hobbs, that Justin knew that it was too much. No matter what he felt for Hobbs, he couldn’t take the other man’s life. He wasn’t going to turn into Hobbs. ‘You’re just like Fucking Chris Hobbs.’ Brian had yelled at him one day. No, Justin knew he couldn’t do that. He wouldn’t do that – to himself or to those he cared about. 

“Mr. Taylor.” The Judge had begun, bringing Justin out of his thinking. “Despite the fact that you say you are sorry for your actions, and despite the fact that you know you did something against the law. I don’t believe that you regret any action that you have done. I believe that you wanted to do great bodily harm against those young men. Not only did you attack one person, but you also kept attacking people in the streets. That is not something that I will tolerate.” 

Justin stood there trying hard to breathe. Things weren’t sounding like they would bode well for him, and Justin wasn’t sure what he would do if they sent him to jail. “However, your record is clean… and this being your first offence, I am allowed to give you a small break.” Justin tried not to let his relief show. “Now, why do you think I should give you a break?” 

“Your Honor,” Justin’s attorney began. “Mr. Taylor has agreed to work with the state on any information they may need to press charges against Mr. Bell” Justin hated that part. He hated that he was being forced to give up information on Cody and stuff, but when he had last talked to the young man, Cody told him to give them whatever they wanted. He was ready to take whatever they were willing to give him. He wanted his chance to talk, to speak out. Justin was going to give that to his friend. It was the least he could do. 

But why did it feel like he was turning his back on the man? 

“I understand the State has offered a plea bargain.” The Judge asked, turning to the state. 

“Yes, your Honor.” The DA stated. “Mr. Taylor pleas guilty to simple assault and battery, in exchange for his testimony against Mr. Cody Bell. The State recommends a minimum of three years probation, community service, and a $1000.00 fine and restitution, with time served. We also recommend that Mr. Taylor attend counselling for his anger issues.” 

The Judge looked down at his notes in front of him, and turned his attention back to Justin. “Mr. Taylor. Do you accept this offer? Do you understand what all of this means?” 

Justin closed his eyes for a minute, knowing what he should say. He just didn’t like having to admit to anything, especially saying that he was guilty. “I understand, your Honor.” He stated raising his gaze to look right at the judge. 

“What is your plea, Mr. Taylor?” 

“Guilty, your Honor.” He struggled to get out. Justin felt a part of him die when the words left his mouth. 

The Judge looked over at Justin and nodded. “Very well. I am however, not sure I fully accept that you feel any remorse over the incident. I also am not one hundred percent sure – given the right circumstances – that you wouldn’t do it again. So in taking the offer by the State into consideration, I accept most of the offer.” Justin stood there as the Judge told him his fate, trying not to let any emotion show. He knew he was shaking slightly, and it was getting hard for him to breathe, but Justin tried to keep as calm as he could. He did deserve whatever punishment he was given. “Mr. Taylor you are hereby found by this court to be guilty of Simple assault and battery. You are hereby sentenced to 60 days in the county jail, 3 years probation, 1,000 hours community service, and $1,000 fines and restitution. You are also – upon release – required to seek counselling.” 

Justin leaned forward, the weight of his sentence shattering all the resolve he had. He was in complete shock, and wasn’t sure what he was going to do now. “On a more personal note, I would like to mention that I am highly disappointed in what you have done. You have been on the receiving end yourself of such acts. Unfortunately, we all let it slip through the system. For that I am sorry. However, that does not excuse your behavior. I hope you take this time to reflect on everything, and learn from your mistakes and your past. That is all.” 

“All rise.” The Bailiff stated. Justin however, could only sit down in the chair and rest his head in his hands. Running his hands over his short hair, Justin tried to breathe – tried to calm his nerves. 

************   
Two Months Prior

Justin walked into his small apartment he shared with Daphne and wondered – for the thousandth time – why he wasn’t living at Brian’s. He knew the answer to that of course, but he had to admit that living at the loft had some fringe benefits that living with Daphne didn’t have. 

Shaking his head, he made his way into his room, and sat down on his bed. He couldn’t believe that he had gotten upset with Brian. Everything was so off lately for him… especially since Darren was bashed. That kid, Cody, had a lot of good ideas. Ideas that Justin thought were right. They had to make a stand, god knows the cops wouldn’t do shit. 

‘What did you do?’ Darren had asked him. 

“I ran away like a scared little faggot.” Justin cursed himself. He had. When Chris Hobbs had smashed his skull in, Justin had done nothing. He had done absolutely nothing. ‘I didn’t think about it.’ He had told Darren. Now, Justin could do nothing else but think about it. It intruded on all aspects of his being. He could remember what it was like to feel like a victim, knowing that Hobbs was out on the streets and Justin was suffering. 

It angered him. Hobbs got off with a slap on the wrist, and Justin had to fight every day for the smallest things. He had to learn how to be out in public again… he had to let go of the fear so he could be touched again. He had to learn how to draw again. 

Knowing that he would never again be whole angered Justin even more. Knowing that still to this day he could only draw – without the computer – for 15 minutes. Knowing that he would be forever limited in what he could do. His future as an artist never looked so fragile. He had never thought about it, but now… now he knew that he would never be what he had dreamed he would. He could never be a famous artist… not if he couldn’t even hold a damn pencil for more than 15 minutes at a time. And one could forget painting… 

“Fuck!” He yelled pushing the art books that had littered his desk. It didn’t matter, he had no school… he had no future. What did it matter anymore? Who cared? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_“Since when did our heroes become the merry butchers of Gayopolis?” Brian asked him._

_Justin sat there feverously working on the artwork of Rage and JT beating up some of the ‘upstanding’ citizens of Gayopolis. “Someone has to do it since fags are too cowardly to stand up for themselves.” He stated. Suddenly his hand started to shake beyond his control. Throwing the pencil down Justin pulled his hand to his chest and started to shake it. “Fuck!” He said trying to rub feeling back into his right hand._

_“Somebody's pissed off.” Brian stated as he reached for Justin’s hand._

_Justin snatched it away from Brian and picked up his pencil again. “You'd be too if you got your head bashed in.” He cursed._

_Brian looked over at Justin like he had been struck. “I know, I was there.” He stated. He looked over at the blond who was allowing his anger to mar his features. “I thought you put that behind you and moved on.” Brian had added. He HAD thought that Justin had put it all behind him. Justin had been doing better, had moved past it all. Wasn’t that the reason behind the whole Stockwell shit? Wasn’t that the reason why Justin had done it? Justin had been all right with it… had seemed all right with the whole thing, even went so far as to plan that ‘outing’ at the GLC._

_Justin shook his head and turned his attention back to the papers in front of him. “I don't want to talk about it.” He said dismissively. Justin felt Brian reach over and start to caress his neck like he used to do back after Justin had first gotten out of the hospital. Justin shook that off as well, and looked Brian directly in the eye. “Darren refused to identify his attackers. They're going to get off. When I told him to be brave, he said to me ‘what did YOU do?’” Justin shook his head, thinking back to those days. “I was a coward. I should have done something, and I didn't.”_

_Brian looked over at Justin and tried to keep the irritation out of his voice. “You want to get even?” He asked in disbelief. He thought that Justin was wrong. Justin had done something… he had survived. He had moved on – or at least that’s what Brian had thought had happened. Now he wasn’t so sure. He wasn’t sure where all this anger was coming from, but he knew he would have to try and defuse the situation. “I'll tell you how to get even, you become the biggest fucking success you can be.” He told his lover._

_“I already know.” Justin stated shaking his head. He had heard the lecture a million times since he had gotten out of the hospital. He had heard the whole speech enough times he could almost recite it word for word._

_“Well if you know, take that anger and put it into your work, use it.” Brian moved in closer to Justin so that he could feel the heat coming off the young man’s skin. “And have more money, power and sex than any poor hetero schmuck because nothing pisses off more a straight guy more than a successful fag.” He joked, reaching across to pull Justin near him._

_Justin however, would not be deterred. “Do you know Guernica? People say it's the most powerful, antiwar statement ever made. I say bullshit! It hangs in a fucking museum, collecting dust. And this,” he states as he throws his drawing onto the barren floor. “is all bullshit. It doesn't do a motherfucking thing.” He finished standing and walking toward the bedroom._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin sat down on his bed and placed his head in his hands. He knew he shouldn’t take his anger out on Brian, but for some reason he couldn’t help it. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. All he knew was that he felt out of sorts… out of whack. Nothing made sense anymore and he wasn’t sure what he could do about it. Could he do something about it? And did he WANT to do something about it? 

All Justin knew at that moment was that he had to do something. He had to help Cody and his gang. He had to do something to stop someone else from having to go through what he had. He just had to. No one should have their lives fucked up like his was. No… Justin knew what he had to do… and if it cost him his relationship with Brian… Well Justin would just deal with that if it happened. 

It wasn’t that he wanted to have things end with Brian… he didn’t. He was happy with the way they were, for the first time in a long time. He wanted Brian – needed the man. Hell, he loved Brian, and he knew that in his own way, Brian loved him. He just wasn’t sure what to do about any of it. He wished he knew, but he didn’t. 

“Justin, phone’s for you.” Daphne called out from the living room area. “I’m off to class, need anything?” 

“No, thanks. See ya later, Daph.” Justin called out as he picked up the phone. “Hello.” 

“Justin, it’s Cody. How about you come down tonight. We’re having a meeting.” 

Justin sat there and thought about what the other man was asking. Justin knew what would happen if he said yes. He knew that he would be in so far that he wouldn’t be able to get out of it. He would be stuck – unable to back out. If he said yes, then he would be in it for the long haul. Could he really do that? Could he do what his heart was screaming at him to do? Could he ignore all the things that Brian had said, and what his mind was screaming at him to do? “Sure, I’ll be there.” Justin stated sealing his fate. 

Once again, he decided to follow his heart. It had worked with Brian, he only hoped that he wouldn’t get so lost in his new ‘crusade’ that he lost the only other thing he really cared about. 

 

 

************   
Present Time

Brian was standing outside Deb’s holding his cellphone in his hand. Daphne told him she would call him as soon as she heard something from Justin. No one was sure what would happen to the young man, or what the Judge would do. Brian had told Justin that whatever the outcome, they would be all right. They had a lot of things to talk about, a lot of things to try and get past, but Brian was positive that they would. In time they would get back on track. Brian only hoped that whatever the Judge had to say wouldn’t send the young man back into the angry man he had been graced with these past couple of months. 

As he pulled out a cigarette from his pocket, his phone rang. “Yeah,” he said as he put the phone to his ear. 

“Brian, it’s Daphne.” The young woman stated. To Brian she didn’t sound happy, and Brian could feel his heart quicken in his chest. Taking a deep breath, Brian asked her what happened. With every word that was uttered out of her mouth, Brian felt his heart sink even more. “The Judge didn’t accept all of the plea. In fact, he added to it. Justin… Justin has to serve 60 days, Brian. They took him to jail.” 

“Fuck,” Brian quietly cursed. “What else was worked out this morning?” He asked. 

“Well, the Judge accepted all of it… but he felt that Justin needed to serve some time.” He heard her say. He could tell that Daphne was breaking down, he only hoped he would get the rest of the story out before that happened. “He has probation for three years, and community service… fines, and he was ordered to see a shrink. That’s what they had worked out, but the Judge was an ass and sent him to jail!” 

“County?” Brian asked. 

“Yeah. I called and they said that Visitation hours are Tuesdays and Thursdays. Justin wanted to let you know that he’ll try to call you tonight, but he wasn’t sure if they would let him.” She told Brian. 

Brian nodded, even though he knew that she couldn’t see him. He hated the thought that Justin was stuck in jail. He had wanted to see the young man… especially after the day they both had had. “Did he say anything else?” Brian asked hoping for something. What he wasn’t sure. 

He could hear Daphne take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “He said he didn’t want anyone to know where he was at. He didn’t want anyone to know that he was in jail.” 

“What?” 

“Brian, he feels like he let everyone down. He doesn’t really want to see anyone, and he doesn’t want them to know that he’s there… in jail. I don’t know how I’m going to keep this from his mom.” Daphne stated. “But I told him I would. I’m sure I could come up with something, but…” 

Brian ran a hand over his face, and shook his head. “Okay, I will talk to him if not tonight, then tomorrow during visitation. We’ll figure something out. Don’t worry.” Brian looked down at his unlit cigarette and sighed. “Thanks, Daphne. Thanks for being there for him.” 

“It’s the least I can do. He’s my best friend. And besides… between the two of us, we’ll get him the help he needs.” She stated with conviction. “He does love you, and I know he wants to make it work. He felt bad for the things he had put you through lately.” 

“I know. We’ll work it all out. He’s lucky to have you.” 

“You too,” she said. 

“Yeah. Okay, I’ll talk to you as soon as I hear from him.” Brian hung up the phone and lit his cigarette. He had a lot to think about, and none of it seemed like it would be good.


	2. The Soundtrack of Our Lives

Two Months Prior

“The what?” Brian asked looking down at Justin sitting on the floor. He couldn’t believe the changes that had taken place in his lover the past couple of days. Justin had cut his hair – completely shaved it off, and Brian tried not to show shock at Justin’s knew attitude and look. Justin had taken it upon himself… well with a bunch of thugs – to clean up the streets of homophobes. The Pink Posse, they called themselves. Brian tried not to even think about that. 

“Someone needs to show those assholes that we won’t stand by and let them attack us. Someone needs to show them that we’re not some pieces of shit.” Justin told Brian.

Brian shook his head, trying to figure out just who this young man was in front of him. It sure as hell wasn’t the Justin he knew. “Whatever.” He stated, turning away from the young man sitting on the floor. “Just don’t come crying to me when everything goes to shit.”

************  
One day before Trial

Justin reached the door and held the key in his hand not sure of the welcome he would get. The last time he had talked to Brian, things had been heated. Brian for some reason had been short, and quick tempered. Justin wasn’t sure if it was because of his own stupidity, and actions with Cody, or if it was something else. He decided he would never know, because Brian sure as fuck wasn’t talking to him. 

“I just want you to know that I love you, and I’ll be here when you get back.” Justin had told Brian the day he had walked out of Kinnetic. He was pissed at Michael for telling Brian that he had told him about the cancer. Hell, Justin wasn’t even sure if that was what the problem was, but he knew he hadn’t told Michael that. 

Justin could remember Michael defending Brian, saying how if Brian wanted them to know that he would tell them. Justin tried not to be angry at the fact that once again, Michael had tried to destroy him and Brian. If they didn’t have enough problems on their own, Michael had to step in and try to be a ‘martyr’. 

The door opened, revealing a very unravelled Brian. To Justin, it looked like Brian wasn’t sleeping, and he had never seen Brian look so bad. “Can I come in?” Justin asked, not wanting to assume anything. He still couldn’t get past the hurt of Brian telling him that he didn’t want Justin in his life any more. Telling Justin to get out of his life.

Brian stood back away from the door, allowing Justin to come in. Taking a deep breath, Justin stepped inside and made his way over to the kitchen counter. “I just wanted to let you know that tomorrow’s the trial. I think I have something worked out with the DA, but I don’t know.”

Brian nodded and stood on the other side of the counter, just looking at Justin. Glancing up at his lover, Justin shook his head. “Aren’t you going say anything? Hell, right about now even an ‘I told you so’ would be better than the silent treatment I have been getting. You have had no problems telling me that I’m a fuck up and that I need to get out of your life… god knows what else, but you can’t even acknowledge me now?” Justin shook his head and took a deep breath. “You know what… fuck it. I just thought you MIGHT want to know. I guess I was wrong.”

Justin turned to make his way out of the loft, when he felt Brian’s hand on his arm. “Don’t go.”

Justin leaned his head against the cold metal door, and tried to stay calm. “Why?” He asked turning around so that he could look Brian in the eye. It was one thing that he had learned was that Brian’s eyes told him the truth. “Why should I? Just give me one good reason why. I have enough shit to deal with right now, Brian. Who knows where I will be tomorrow… what will happen tomorrow. All I asked of you was to tell me… tell me what was going on, and instead you treat me like shit.

“I didn’t tell Michael that you had cancer. I didn’t know anything at the time. All I knew was that you were pushing me away. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if you were tired of me – if I turned you off or what.” Justin leaned against the door so he could keep himself grounded. He knew that he would have to get everything out, cause he wasn’t sure when and if he would ever get the chance again. “”You push me away, and I’m sick of it Brian. I need to know that you’ll be there for me. I need to know that no matter what, we’ll talk about this shit. I need to know I can count on you. Cause if not… then when I walk out this door… It’ll be up to you. I’m not going to come crawling back. Not again. It’s up to you now. Cause I have too much other shit to worry about.”

Brian reached over and ran his fingers lightly over Justin’s cheek. “You can.” He stated as he leaned in and placed his forehead against Justin’s. “You can count on me, okay. No matter of the outcome tomorrow… no matter what happens with this shit with the cancer, or not… I’ll be there. Will you?”

Justin reached up and placed his hand on Brian’s neck. “If you will, so will I.”

“Can we stop all this drama shit? I think we’ve had enough don’t you?” Brian laughed slightly. 

“It wouldn’t be us without the drama.” Justin said shaking his head. “One of these days we’ll be able to look back on this and laugh. You know that don’t you?”

Brian grabbed Justin hand and led the young man over to the bed. Lying down on top of the duvet, Brian pulled Justin into his arms. “If we survive all this shit. I’m not saying it will be easy.”

“What with us ever is?”

Brian nodded in agreement. “So true. But we’ll work it out. Just promise to let me know tomorrow. No matter what the outcome.” Brian felt Justin nod as the young man held Brian’s hand on his own. “Daphne’s going to be there right?” He asked hoping that he could be there for his young lover, but knew that he had to be at the funeral. 

“Yeah. If something happens, and I can’t call you, I’ll make sure she does.” Justin told Brian. “Brian.” Justin began lifting himself up from his spot on the man’s chest. “If for some reason, I go to jail… if it doesn’t work out, then I don’t want you to wait for me. Don’t worry about me. Okay?”

Brian looked at his lover, and rolled his lips into his mouth. “I’ll be here when you get out. But it won’t come to that.”

Justin shook his head, not wanting Brian to think that they could come out of this mess unscathed. “You don’t know that… I don’t know that. The thing is… it could happen. And I’m all right with it. I just want to be sure that you’re okay with it. That you’ll take care of yourself. Especially now.”

“I can take care of myself.” Brian began with a raised voice. When he saw that Justin was getting ready to pull away, Brian shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “Sorry. Look, I’ll take care of my problem, you just take care of yourself. We’ll figure out the rest of it later.”

Justin nodded, relaxed in his knowledge that Brian was going to give them a chance. That there would be a tomorrow – at least for them. It made tomorrow that much easier to handle. As long as he knew that Brian would be there for him, Justin knew that he could handle anything. 

************  
Present day

Justin was lead into the visitor room and he immediately spotted Brian sitting at one of the tables. He had already been given the ‘rules’ so he knew what he could and couldn’t do. Already he was hating his life in jail. It was nothing like what he had seen on TV and in movies. He learned quickly who to avoid and who not to piss off. Justin however, had already made friends with someone in his cell. Of course he had heard stories about this guy, and he knew that as long as he continued to be friends with him, nothing would happen to him. 

Sometimes it pays to know someone who is awaiting trial for murder.

Justin sat down, and looked over at Brian. He could see the look in his lover’s eye and almost laughed. Pulling lightly at his orange uniform, Justin only shrugged. “Not really the latest fashion, but…”

“That’s fucking ugly.” Brian stated shaking his head. Brian sat there and looked Justin over, trying to see what the young man was feeling. He was afraid of what this might do to Justin, and the last thing he wanted was to have Justin go back to being hateful young man. “How you doing?”

Justin shrugged. “It’s not too bad. It’s not a walk in the park, but I guess time will tell. I mean, I’ve only been here one day, so we will see how things turn out.” Justin leaned back in his chair, laying his hands on the table before him. He began to pick at a piece of paper that way left over from another inmate. “So how’s Deb holding up?” Justin asked not looking up from the piece of paper.

“She’s holding up. Yesterday was hard, on everyone, but she’s strong. She’ll come out of this in one piece.” Brian told Justin, taking note of every little movement that young man made. Reaching out, Brian took a hold of Justin’s hand, halting the young man’s nervous movement. “Everyone’s wondering where you’re at, if you’re okay.”

Justin shrugged, entwining his hand with Brian’s. “I just don’t want them to know. I’m not asking you and Daphne to lie… I won’t do that to you, but I just don’t… Fuck, I don’t know. I’ll explain everything, I guess when I get out, but…” Justin looked up at Brian and gave the man a small smile. “I just don’t know what to say to them. I don’t want them coming here.”

Brian nodded slightly, running his thumb across Justin’s knuckle. “You know that they will ask. What are we supposed to tell them?” Brian asked his lover.

Justin took a deep breath, and slowly let it out. “Just say you don’t know.. or that I will contact them as soon as I get my act together a little… I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t want to see them. Not yet. But I won’t ask you to lie to them… maybe just withhold information.” Justin gave Brian a small smile.

Brian rolled his lower lip into his mouth, and looked slyly at his lover. “Guess a quickie is out of the question, huh?”

“God, don’t even go there. Sixty days is … fuck!” Justin laughed with a shake of his head. “I don’t even want to think about it.”

“Well, I can tell you that you won’t be going anywhere for say… three days.”

“Only three days?”

“At least.” Brian said with a smile. “You know we should talk about where you’re going to live when you get out of here.”

Justin looked at Brian like he was crazy. “I thought I was living with Daphne. What? Did you hear something? Is everything okay?”

Brian leaned forward a little, and held both of Justin’s hands in his own. “Everything’s fine. I was just thinking that… I don’t know – that maybe you would want to come back home.”

Justin smiled and glanced down at their joined hands. “Are you asking me to move in with you?” Justin saw Brian shrug, and he tried not to laugh. Justin shook his head, and bit his lower lip. “I don’t know, yet. I can’t think about anything about my time on the outside… about when I get out. I need to think about it. Okay? I’m not saying no, but … “

“You have a lot all ready to think about.” Brian added. “I understand. But I’m not giving up on it.”

Justin nodded and smiled. “That’s good. I don’t want you to.” Justin decided that they had talked enough about him and his situation, so he turned the conversation in his lover’s direction. “So have you gone to the doctor’s yet?”

Brian leaned back in his chair and looked around the room. He felt uncomfortable all the sudden. He didn’t mind talking about Justin, but now that he was the center of attention… Brian wasn’t sure what to do. He wasn’t used to sharing information with people… openly talking about things. “Not yet.”

Justin leaned forward and grabbed Brian’s hands, holding them tightly in his hands. “Brian!” Justin exclaimed. “You have to.”

“I don't have to do shit.” Brian countered, trying to pull his hand out of Justin’s.

Justin continued to hold his lover’s hand not wanting Brian to leave – whether physically or emotionally. He wanted Brian there with him. “Brian. Please. I have never begged you to do anything really in my life. I am begging now. Please. Go see the doctor. I won’t be able to think of anything else until you do. I mean it’s not like I have much else to do here to keep me occupied. I need to know that you’re all right… that it’s nothing. Or something. I just need to know. Please.” Justin continued to beg.

Brian looked deep into Justin’s blue eyes, and looked down at their hands. It took him a while thinking about what Justin was asking him. “All right. All right, dammit… I’ll go.” He stated, making a big deal out of giving in to Justin.

Justin pulled Brian’s hand up to his lips and lightly kissed it. “Thank-you.”

Brian huffed, and rolled his eyes. “Whatever.” Brian however looked back at Justin and saw the small spreading across the young man’s lips. “Anything else?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. 

“For now… at least until I can get out of here.” Justin said with a smile, letting the other man know his intentions. Justin felt Brian squeeze his hand, letting him know that things would work out. It gave him strength. Strength to get through this, to not make this change him.

 

************  
A Month and a half prior

 

“You know the problem with our extracurricular one-fuck-only policy?” Brian stated as the two stood at the bar looking out over the hot, sweaty bodies dancing on the floor in front of them. 

“After a while, you start asking yourself, "Why am I doing this? Is it because I want to do it, or because I need to do it?” Justin asked, stealing a quick glance over to Brian. He wanted the older man to know that he was still on to him, and he knew where Brian was coming from. “And if I need to do it, is it to prove to myself that I'm still young and attractive? Or is it that I'm afraid to love because I feel unworthy of being loved?" He finished, taking a sip from his beer.

Brian just looked over at Justin, and shook his head. “What I mean is that I have already fucked everyone in Pittsburgh that is worth fucking. The selection is getting pretty thin.”

Justin looked out over the crowd, and smiled. “Is that so?” he asked once again stealing a glance in his lover’s direction. “I bet you, that I can find a hot guy that you haven’t fucked. I bet you that you wouldn’t be able to get him to let you fuck him.”

“Is that so?” Brian asked, intrigued by Justin’s plan. “If I win, you go back to school. In which I know I will have no problem in winning this little bet.”

Justin smiled and turned his attention back to Brian. “And if I win, you take me to Ibiza.”

Brian leaned back against the bar and thought it over. “Bring it on.” Brian stated, knowing who would lose the bet. But he’d let Justin think that he had won. “But if I’ve done him before then it’s all a moot point. But if you by some chance, do pick someone that I haven’t had… I can guarantee you that I have fucked him.”

Justin only nodded rolling his eyes. For the next ten minutes, Justin looked out over the crowd. Although he didn’t know everyone that Brian had slept with, he had a good idea. He at least knew who was a regular around the club scene. Spotting someone whom he had never seen before… who according to what he was seeing was a total top, Justin knew that he had found the person he was looking for. “Him.”

Brian looked out over to where Justin was pointing. “You’re on.” He stated as he set his empty drink down on the counter. “I’ll come and collect my payment later.” Brian left Justin there at the counter, and went to collect his trick. By the time he had gotten the man into the back, he spotted Justin off to the side with his own trick of the night. 

Looking at the young man, as his pushed his trick down to his knees, Brian opened up his jeans and waited for the trick to get him off. What happened next was something that Brian had never thought would happen. He never would have thought that a damn trick would find something wrong with him. If asked later, Brian would deny it. All he knew was that he couldn’t let anyone know what the trick had told him. No one would ever know that there might be something wrong with him.

By the time Justin had joined him at the bar, Brian was already on his second Beam. He didn’t want to think about what he had learned. He just wanted to get flat drunk and forget. “Guess I was right. What the fuck happened back there?” Justin asked.

“It didn’t work out.” Brian stated. 

“You didn’t get up his ass.” Justin told Brian, with a hint of humor in his voice.

Before Justin could say anything else in reply, Brian cut him off by shoving a drink in his hands. “I was halfway up his ass.”

Justin laughed slightly. “He must've heard that nasty rumor -- the one about you having crabs.” He said shaking his head. 

“Wonder how that happened.” Brian stated as he stared out at the crowd. 

“Get out the sunscreen -- we're going to Ibiza.” Justin smugly stated. 

Brian looked over at Justin’s smug look and shook his head. “Don't ditch your textbooks yet.”

 

************  
Present day – 45 days after trial

Brian sat at the table with the guys, and listened as Michael continued to bitch about how things were going for him. For the past month and a half, Brian had been avoiding any conversation about Justin’s whereabouts. He had promised Justin that he would say where the young man was, so he avoided any talk about Justin at all costs. All he would tell them was that Justin was busy with his community service and trying to get ready for school… plus all the work that Justin was doing for him. Luckily, Justin would do some work for both Brian and Michael during his ‘quiet’ time and each visitation Brian would pick them up.

However, just getting the drawings wasn’t enough for Michael. The man would complain that he needed to see Justin… that this was wrong and that was wrong. He kept stating that they needed to talk over everything – compare notes. Brian wanted to tell Mikey that he was lucky to get that shit out of Justin, but he kept his mouth shut. He knew that Mikey was going through a lot with Hunter, and Deb. He knew that him and Ben were having problems, but Brian hoped that Mikey wouldn’t try to take it out on them.

Luckily, Justin’s time was almost up. The past month and a half had been the longest in his life. 

He had gone to the doctor like he had promised Justin, and had found out that it was serious. He had been diagnosed with Testicular Cancer. After talking it over with Justin, Brian went a head and had one of testis(testes)’ removed, and had a ‘fake’ one put on. For some reason, Brian just hadn’t felt like doing anything. His old regime just didn’t feel right anymore. He only hoped that his feelings toward sex didn’t extend to Justin. 

Of course Brian knew that he could still get… excited, when Justin was around. He knew that when Justin touched him, the jolt of electricity went straight to his cock. Oh, yeah, Justin could still make him hard, which he supposed was a good sign. 

Now he only wished that the remaining days were over, and Justin was back in his arms. Hearing his cell go off, Brian pulled it out of his pocket and headed out the door. “Yeah,” he stated as he closed the diner door behind him.

“Brian, it’s Daphne. I have Justin on the other line. He said he’s been trying to call you at the loft all day.”

Brian leaned up against the wall and pulled out a cigarette. “Is everything all right?” He asked. “Listen… never mind that. Tell him that I will be home in say… twenty minutes tops. Tell him to call me then.” Brian heard her reply and hung up the phone. He quickly made his way back into the diner and grabbed his coat. “Sorry boys, but I have to run.” 

“Brian,” Mikey whined. “We need to talk.”

Brian tried not to roll his eyes, but he knew that Mikey wouldn’t give up. “Fine you have the time it takes for me to get back to the loft.” He stated as he began to talk out to the vet. He knew that Mikey was right behind him, and he opened the passenger door for him. All the way to the loft, he continued to listen to Mikey’s rant about one thing or another. “Mikey, why don’t you and Ben just sit down and talk about it? Tell him what’s bothering you?”

“I tried that, Brian. He doesn’t want to listen.” Mikey stated. He had tried to talk to Ben about what was going on, but with little success. All Mikey knew was that something was going on with his lover, and he didn’t know what it was.

“The make him listen. Mikey… it’s not the end of the world. I’m sure that it’s nothing, and once you guys talk about it, you’ll both realize how much you’re just blowing things out of proportion.” Brian told his friend. He hoped that that was all it was. He hoped for his friend’s sake that there was nothing serious going on with Ben. That was the last thing that Mikey needed at that moment. He had just lost Vic, he had Deb, and Hunter to worry about… the last thing he needed was more problems. Mikey was spread too thin as it was now. If Ben was up to something… if Ben hurt Mikey, then Brian knew he would make the professor pay. One way or the other.

“Look, Mikey. I promise you, that we will talk later… I’m sure that everything is going to work out. You just have to work it out between you and Ben. I can’t help you with that.” Brian stated as he pulled up in front of the comic book store, deciding to at least give Mikey a ride to work instead of having the man walk from the loft. “Okay?”

Mikey nodded and got out of the car. “Okay. If you hear from Justin… tell him to give me a call. We need to talk.”

”I promise, Mikey. Now get going.” Brian watched as his friend made his way into the store before he pulled away. He had six more minutes to get back to the loft before Justin called.

When he arrived the phone was already ringing, so Brian rushed over and picked it up before the answering machine kicked in. “Hello.”

“This is a collect call from an inmate of the ---- county jail. ‘Justin’. This call may be   
monitored with the exception of calls between inmate and attorney. To accept the   
charges, please press one. To refuse the call, press two. To find out the cost of this call   
before accepting, please press three now. Any attempt at using three-way or conference   
calling this call will immediately be disconnected.” 

Brian pressed one and was immediately connected to Justin. “Hey what’s up?”

“I’m glad I finally caught you. I was just given good news, and I knew I had to tell you right away.” Justin stated. 

Brian could almost hear the excitement in the young man’s voice. “What?”

Brian waited as Justin took a deep breath, and letting it out slowly. “Do you think you can be here tomorrow around say… nine?” Justin asked.

“Why?” Brian asked, wondering what was going on. Visitation hours were the next day, and when he had stopped by that day, Justin hadn’t said anything was wrong.

“As I said, I was just informed that they are letting me out tomorrow. So I was wondering if you would come by here and pick me up.” Justin stated like it was obvious.

Brian stood there stunned, not really believing what he was hearing. “You’re shitting me? You still have 15 days left. How the hell did that happen?” Brian asked, not able to hide his excitement. He was thrilled beyond belief that Justin was gong to be let out early, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up too much in case it fell through.

“They said that since I have been a good little boy,” Justin began.

They don’t know you very well do they?” Brian asked interrupting.

“Shush. Anyway, since I have been a good boy, and with the whole overcrowding and shit, they were going to let me go.” Justin stated, the happiness coming through his voice. “So?”

“Well, I guess I will be there.” Brian said as a smile played across his lips. “I think I can shut down the office for the day. Especially since I have plans for you.”

“Yeah, like moving all my shit over to the loft.” Justin quietly stated.

Brian paused again, not sure he heard correctly. “You said move your stuff over?”

“Yeah, I mean… if the offer is still there.” Justin answered, suddenly unsure if he was doing the right thing. He began to wonder if Brian was still offering. “I mean, it’s okay if it’s not… You know, I was just…”

“No,” Brian quickly said. He didn’t want Justin to think that he had changed his mind. If nothing else, these past couple of weeks have strengthened his resolve on having Justin move in. “But… I’m sure it will all be there on say… Monday?”

Justin laughed on the other end of the phone. “Monday sounds good. I’m sure that you have plans for this weekend.” Justin tried not to laugh. 

“We have plans… and it involves locking the damn door, and turning off the phone for the whole weekend. We’re only leaving if the damn building is on fire.” Brian told Justin. And he was stating the truth. He was NOT going to let Justin out of his site all weekend long. They had a lot to make up for, and he wasn’t going to lose a minute of it. “So I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow. Later,” Justin whispered. 

“Later,” came the soft reply before he hung up. Brian knew he had a lot to do before nine a.m. came around. Especially if he was planning on not doing anything except Justin all weekend. Now that Justin had said he would move back in, Brian knew that his list had just grown. “Fuck… Looks like we’re going to have to make room in the closet for him again.” 

Shaking his head, Brian knew he wouldn’t have it any other way.


	3. The Soundtrack of Our Lives

Two Months Prior

 

Justin handed the gun back to Cody, looking down at the item. “I can’t.” He told his friend. Justin remembered vividly Brian pointing the gun at him, telling him that if he continued to play that game he would be dead. Things had been strained between them lately. The last thing he wanted was to have Brian turn against him. Things had been good for them before all this mess – they had even admitted that they were partners. The last thing Justin wanted to do was have Brian leave him. 

He knew that Cody was not happy that Brian knew what was going on, but he didn’t care. Brian was his partner, and Brian had a right to know. After all Brian was also a victim of all this mess. 

He still couldn’t get the picture of Brian lying on the bed pointing the gun at him out of his mind. 

Justin followed behind Cody as the two walked toward a small construction site. He had tried to talk to Cody about the increase in violence, tried to voice his and other members concerns regarding everything. They were quickly losing members, and Justin was beginning to doubt that what they were doing was right. He knew that there were some things he had to do, but his anger was leading him. The only problem was, Justin was quickly tiring of blowing up at the people who didn’t deserve it. The worst was Brian. 

Brian, he knew was going through something now himself. What it was, Justin wasn’t sure. The older man wasn’t talking, and even he was striking out at Justin. Their relationship – if one could call it that – was becoming volatile and Justin knew something would have to be done and soon. He wished that they could talk about things, but neither one was willing to be the first to break. If something didn’t happen soon, if one of them didn’t let go of their anger, then there would be nothing left of them. 

“Come on. Follow me. There’s something I want you to see.” Cody had told Justin. What Justin was confused about was why they had suddenly appeared at a construction site. What would their job of protecting Liberty Avenue have to do with this place? When Cody had pointed out to someone in the crowd, Justin knew immediately that the tale of ‘picking up a new member’ was false. 

“Chris Hobbs,” Cody yelled out to one of the guys in the crowd. 

Justin watched – frozen – as Hobbs walked over to them. “Do I know you?” He asked as he looked from Cody to Justin. Justin could see the recognition slowly appear in Hobbs’ eyes, and Justin couldn’t get his feet to work. He couldn’t get anything to work. “Do you want a job? Oh wait… we don’t have those type of jobs here. Go back to your little neighborhood, Fag.” 

Justin could hear Cody trying to get him to do something… to react, but Justin couldn’t do anything. He could hear the sound as it vibrated through his skull, he could see the sudden flash of light. The sudden blinding pain then instant numbness paralyzed him in the spot. He could see it all over again… hear Brian’s cry. 

Justin could only turn around and leave the site – trying to put the whole mess out of his mind. 

It wasn’t until two nights later when Cody had taken him to a nice upper-class neighborhood that Justin thought about that incident again. Justin could make out Hobbs, stood by as Cody had demanded that Hobbs apologize for what he did to Justin. He couldn’t believe what was happening. He wasn’t sure what he would do. 

When Justin heard Hobbs’ question, something inside him snapped. Hearing the man who had caused him so much pain denying that he had any reason to apologize angered him. “For what? How about for attacking me. For causing me a disability. For causing me to have nightmares. For my inability to let people close to me, to walk down the street. You did this to me.” Justin stated, his voice getting louder with each sentence. His anger was boiling over, and now that he had the chance to get it out… to maybe take it out on the source of his anger – Justin knew he couldn’t stop himself now. He wasn’t going to let Hobbs ruin his life anymore. 

Of course, Hobbs refused. He didn’t believe that he was wrong, nor did he believe that he should apologize. He hated Justin, and wished the other man had died. 

Justin felt the gun being placed in his hand, and Justin raised it so that it was pointing directly at Hobbs. He wanted this man to feel a fraction of what he had been feeling since that night, since he had woken up in the hospital. He could partly make out Hobbs’ laugh, and his disbelief, but Justin didn’t pay attention to it. Pulling the level back, Justin could see the realization come across Hobbs’ face. He began to take pleasure in the fact that Hobbs looked scared. Terrified actually. “Kneel.” Justin stated. When Hobbs didn’t move, Justin pushed the gun closer to Hobbs’ face. “On your fucking knees.” 

Once Hobbs was on the ground, looking up at him, Justin placed the gun in Hobbs’ mouth and told him to suck it. Justin paid no attention to Cody’s excitement, as he stood there for a second – taking pleasure in the fact that Hobbs was scared. He could easily pull the trigger at that moment, rid the world of this piece of trash. ‘You’re just like fucking Hobbs.’ Brian’s voice came into his mind. 

Taking a deep breath, Justin pulled the gun out of Hobbs’ mouth and told the man to apologize. “I’m sorry for bashing you. I’m sorry for causing you brain damage. I’m sorry for causing you fear and for having nightmares. I’m sorry for ruining your life. For taking away your dream.” Justin stated, his voice once again rising with each word. Luckily, Hobbs was smart enough to repeat everything that Justin had said… word for word. “Now you know what we have to go through. Now you know the fear that gays feel.” He said as he lowered the gun. “Go. Get out of here.” He told him. 

As Justin watched Hobbs run to his house, he felt like the weight that had been plaguing him for two years had been lifted. “Don’t call the cops,” Justin called out to Hobbs as the man started to make his way toward his house. “I don’t think you would want to tell admit that two fags made you shit your pants.” Taking a deep breath, Justin smiled slightly. He felt a calmness seep into his soul, he finally felt somewhat free of the whole mess. Justin knew he would still have issues, but he also knew that beyond a doubt, he would make it. He could get over this. Granted, he would never be completely over it, but he felt like he could finally live with it. He could finally make it through the day. 

“What do you think you’re doing? How could you let him go?” Cody yelled at Justin. “You’re just like everyone else. You’re just a fucking little coward. Just like everyone else. I thought you were different. How could you? You had him right where you wanted him.” 

Justin only looked at Hobbs as the man disappeared behind his door. Turning, Justin walked away. He was done. He had enough. For once, Justin had taken the initiative and he had done the right thing. Should he have gone about things the way he had? No, but Justin didn’t care at the moment. He felt alive, for the first time in a long time. Cody could go fuck himself, for all he cared. 

************ 

Present Day

Brian knocked on the door of the small apartment that had served as Justin’s home. He smiled at Daphne when the young girl had opened the door. “Mind if I come in?” He asked. 

“Brian? I didn’t think I would see you.” She said as she moved to the side, allowing him entrance. “What brings you around here? What did Justin say?” 

Brian came in and began to walk toward Justin’s room. He could at least start to gather some of Justin’s things, since the young man was going to be moving in… and since Brian had no intention of letting the man out of the loft for the next couple of days. “I just thought I would pick up some of his shit. You know since he’s getting out tomorrow morning.” 

“What!?” Daphne exclaimed, reaching out to grab a hold of Brian’s arm. “You’re kidding right? I thought he still had a couple of weeks left.” 

Brian went directly for the small dresser, and started to place clothes in the duffel bag he had brought with him. It wasn’t a lot, but he figured they could always come in a couple of days to get the rest. By the end of next week, Brian wanted Justin completely moved into the loft. “He told me they were letting him out for good behavior.” He laughed, shaking his head. 

“This is Justin we’re talking about right? Our Justin?” She asked not believing what she was hearing. “Good behavior and him don’t go together.” 

“That’s what I thought too. But I think it has more to do with overcrowding than good behavior.” Brian told her as he took a quick look around the room. Spotting some of Justin’s sketchbooks on the desk he grabbed those as well and placed them in the bag. “At least he’s getting the fuck out of there.” 

“I’ll make sure that everything here is boxed up and stuff… you know so we can get all his stuff over there.” Daphne stated as she sat down on the edge of the bed. “He is moving in with you again, right?” 

“Oh yeah.” Brian said with a smile on his lips. “Don’t worry about doing too much. I’ll just get some movers in here and we’ll be all set.” Brian lifted the bag he had and placed it over his shoulder. He would be by later to get the rest of the things, but for now he had everything he needed. Justin wouldn’t need a lot for the next couple of days, not if Brian had anything to say about it. 

 

************

Brian was told to wait outside behind the building where release was. Leaning against the ‘vette, he looked down the ramp to the loading dock, waiting to get a glimpse of his lover. 

It had been a long road for the two of them, and Brian knew that they had a lot farther to go before things smoothed out. All he knew at the moment was that he had missed Justin, and he couldn’t wait to be alone with the young man. 

What seemed like hours – but was only a couple of minutes – Brian spotted the blond walking toward him. “Hey,” Justin said as soon as he reached his lover. 

Brian felt Justin mold against his body and immediately placed his hands on Justin’s hips. “Hey,” he replied, leaning down to take Justin’s lips onto his own. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.” 

“With pleasure.” Justin said with a smile as he threw his bag in the back and got in the passenger seat. Sitting back in the seat, Justin closed his eyes, just basking in the sense of freedom. He could feel the sun warming his skin, feel the soft leather seat beneath him. The feel of Brian’s hand on his thigh warmed Justin from the inside. He never again wanted to be without this… without any of this. 

“You’re not going to fall asleep on me now are you?” Brian asked moving his hand up Justin’s thigh toward his groin. 

“Fat chance of that happening.” Justin laughed. Grabbing a hold of Brian’s wandering hand, Justin lifted it up to his lips. “I have plans… plans that include NOT sleeping for quite a while.” 

Brian raised his eyebrow and glanced over at Justin. “Really? And what sort of plans would those be?” He asked with a smile, glancing quickly over at Justin. 

Justin’s answer was to place Brian’s hand on his groin as his hand moved over to Brian’s. “Let’s just say that I plan on working long, hard hours deep into the night.” He said with a smile, looking over at Brian through lowered eye-lashes.


End file.
